Wizards Tell Lies  - "Bad Nature"

(MuteAnt Sounds)

How to Have the Perfect Soundtrack for Your Next Bar Fight

Let's face it, when you first thought of staging the perfect bar fight, you were completely caught up in the fantasy. You thought of all those great old soundstage westerns from the 60's with the brightly lit saloon sets full of wooden chairs and bottles just itching to be broken. You dreamed of instigating a huge brawl where, with any luck, you would finally be able to realize your long awaited desire to toss someone completely over the shiny wooden counter, crashing into the well-stocked shelves behind, sending dusty bottles of whisky, wine, and beer flying. The dream lost its luster when you realized you needed a fresh new soundtrack for this fight. Something "hip" and "now." Something with some real bite!

Get yourself ready for this new release from Wizards Tell Lies. This recording is a grimy, noisy vortex of aggression and mayhem, full of all the loveliest filthy vibes you could hope for. And it comes packaged with eight choice tracks for each stage of your epic bar battle:

Stage 1: The Motivator

Maybe someone insulted you in just the right way, or spilled a drink on you, or hated on the band you love - but it is WAR. It is now throw down time and it is personal. The piano player stops playing the old saloon tunes and leaps out of the open window. An eerie calm settles over the crowd. Instinctively, they part at the middle and form a circle around the area in which you and your opponent are squaring off. Cue up track one of Bad Nature, entitled Loris Toxin. This track has the perfect ominous vibes and threatening tones for that one-on-one grudge match.

Stage 2: Joining the Fray

The intense battle between you and your opponent rages on, unchecked, for what seems like an eternity, with the drunken miscreants cheering - and getting more rowdy every minute. The crunchy bass and thumping drums of Squirm will do nicely here. It's just nasty enough and loud enough to match the cadence of the fight. As the battle intensifies, a thrown punch misses its target, and suddenly a spectator is miraculously transformed into a participant!

Stage 3: All Out Brawl

As the last screeching guitar of Squirm dissolves in a pool of reverb and fuzz, a emboldened fellow leaps from the bar onto someone in the crowd. More furious punches are swung at sweaty faces. It seems like everyone has found a sparring partner. And in the background - Track 3 of your fight soundtrack - Candiru, with furious percussion and squealing guitar ugliness.

Stage 4: The Big Guy

At some point in every battle, a large individual steps out of the shadows to throw some weight around. The slowed down tempo of track four - Raven Not Crow Caw is perfect for his introduction onto the scene. He is able to thin out the crowd by fighting multiple opponents at once. This is the guy who puts heads through walls, and breaks chairs on people's backs.

Stage 5: Onto the Street

The battle has grown too big for the torn up remains of the bar to contain it. As the throbbing bass and headache-sustaining guitar squelch of the lengthier sixth track, Cowbane Delirium sandblast your skull, the violence tumbles out of windows and doors into the street. 

Stage 6: The Chase

There's always a moment in an epic explosion of fisticuffs where one might need to escape. Perhaps to find higher ground or some other advantage, or perhaps just to take a break from getting mercilessly pummeled - that's when the rapid and short track called Ponies Bite comes in handy.

Stage 7: Second Wind

Now that you've found your way to a rooftop, the second one-on-one skirmish can take place. It is much more of a serious, life-or-death struggle. The angrily pounding scrape of the seventh track entitled Shakma should do the trick.

Stage 8: The Surprise Ending

As the climactic battle raises the dramatic tension higher and higher, it is obvious that, at any second, someone is going to win this fight to the death - but at the last possible second, just as your opponent is about to finally fling you victoriously from the rooftop - you both look up at the skyline in amazement. Some large creature is rampaging on the town. Cue up the final track of Bad Nature - this one is called Brain Fungus Takeover. It's an enormous beast, perhaps a massive lizard, or dinosaur, maybe some kind of building-sized insect. It destroys what is left of the town, and leaves no survivors. The bar fight, and your dreams are at last ended.

Gray Lee